So we start things off where the last episode ended, with Kimberly, one of the rejected, heading back into the mansion asking for another chance. And much to the dismay of the 22 other girls, sweet Farmer Chris says ok. The girls smile robotically and unenthusiastically clap for the addition of one more girl in the house.
The next morning, well probably more like that afternoon, we see Chris in his pink button up and a delirious grin plastered on his face. He's gone from life, just he and his tractor, to being a man and his harem and he likes it.
Now, all the girls, dressed in more lycra than is in a LuLu Lemon store, all await Chris Harrison and the anticipated date card. And the lucky gals are Jade, Tandra, Ashley I, Mackenzie, Kimberly and Tara. Chris, in his purposely positioned with the zipper half way up sweatshirt and too short swim trunks (sorry I'm one to think they shouldn't get smaller) is ready to greet the girls for his pool party (wait I thought this was supposed to be a country themed date?). Apparently he just can't wait to get a few girls in a bikini. Can I fast forward the next 30 seconds of complete objectifying women camera work? And if that wasn't enough, now they're going to traipse the girls through the city, wearing only their bikinis! That's ridiculous. So tell me ABC, why does the tractor race require swim apparel? Does Chris usually plow his fields in only a speedo? ugh. It wasn't much of a race, looks like they didn't trust a bunch of half naked girls with fast tractors in the middle of LA, but in the end the Kardashian no one knows about (Ashley I) wins. Afterward, with everyone perched on bales of hay in the middle of the city (still desperately trying to tie in a country theme to this mess of a date), Chris announces that the rest of the date will be with one girl, and surprisingly it's our Mama Mackenzie. Jaws drop (mine included). The rest of the girls have to go home empty handed and oh so bitter. Mama and Chris head to a bar (she FINALLY got to take off the bikini and wear actual clothing) for a night of awkward conversation about his large nose, aliens and her son Kale. Despite all of this and her odd personality she still got the rose, and as we learn later, 6 kisses.
Back at the mansion we see Jillian and Megan break into Chris' house and in a very stalkerish way go through his stuff. We also learn that Juelia has a daughter and her late husband had committed suicide. Way heavy stuff for this shallow show. And the next date card arrives and it's for Megan.
So off they go, Megan wearing the most boring tight tank top and skinnies, to the airport, where she pressed their clasped hands to her big bosom. Yes. We know that was intentional. Then they took a helicopter of love over the Hoover Dam and Grand Canyon. The helicopter lands and they set up a picnic next to the muddiest river. There we see how good Chris looks in blue and get a heart to heart with Megan, finding out her dad passed away right before she came on the show. Her vulnerability wins her a kiss and a rose. I'm starting to think Farmer Chris is too nice for this show. I can't see him sending anyone home.
Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber Ashley S, Juelia, Kaelyn and Britt have the next group date. The limo pulls up to a dark abandoned building and freaky shadows start circling them. OH. MY. GOSH. I think its a haunted house. Seriously I couldn't think of a worse date. I haaate stuff like that. My last haunted house experience was when I was a senior in high school. I pulled myself between two of my guy friends, closed my eyes, dug my nails into the guy in front of me and screamed/cried through the whole thing. I think I would've refused to get out of the limo. Oh wait, it isn't exactly a haunted house, it's more like World War Z and they're all off to shoot zombies with paintball guns… well, all except Ashely S who is dumber than a brick or did too many drugs as a teen, and thinks she's supposed to shoot the other girls. Seriously, I could barely watch this date. Too freaky. After all the zombies had been shot, and I peaked out from between my fingers, I saw that it was time for some one on one moments. Kaelyn seems to really be redeeming herself from the first time we saw her, Britt is still the one to beat (even getting a homemade card from Chris) and Ashely S, well wow is all I can say. She's not just crazy. She's flat out nuts. Seriously is she on something? But at least Chris got to see it first hand. My question is how she even made it this far? Well in the end Kaelyn got the rose, securing herself one more rose ceremony.
Now it's time for that rose ceremony. Whitney, bummed that she didn't get to go on a date this week, took matters into her own hands, and somehow came up with his favorite bottle of whiskey (can they use Amazon Prime?) and created her own little one on one date. Smart, but not sure if its enough to compensate for her kinda annoying voice. Then we hear Ashley the Kardashian revealing to some girls that she hasn't ever had a boyfriend and is a virgin. Never woulda guessed that about her. During her one on one time with Chris she attempted to be sexy I think, by having him rub some genie bottle naval ring, and giving him one wish. Unfortunately he wished for a kiss. I say unfortunately because it was the nastiest thing I've ever seen. Maybe she's never kissed anyone either and is over compensating. ugh. The bad kissing continues when Amber asks for a kiss, what??? Do these girls know nothing? And then she's all excited, like that kiss meant something. Frankly I'm embarrassed for them.
It's finally rose time and they go to Britt (still the front runner), Ashley the Kardashian, Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, Juelia (who had to wait for Jillian to slink back to her spot after thinking her name had been called and fell in the process), Amber, Tracy, Jillian (now it's your turn), Jade (a gem, I think she is so darling and not so in-your-face beautiful), Nikki, Becca, Carly, Whitney and Ashley Ssssssssay what??? Why in the world is he keeping someone who can't make a coherent sentence?
So its goodbye to Alissa, Tandra (the interviewers must not have been able to make her cry, because we saw no footage of her leaving), Jordan (hopefully this will sober her up… or sadly just the opposite), a VERY upset Tara and Kimberly, again.
Next week they're mixin' things up with a visit from Jimmy Kimmel. I wish it were Jimmy Fallon. But no other glimpses into the drama ahead. I'm sure it'll be worth watching though ;)
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