So, it's back already, and the boys are all awaiting the results of Chris' talk with Chad. Many were hoping he'd be sent home for his barbaric behavior, but ha! Why would Chris jeopardize an opportunity to have the most dramatic season ever?! I'm positive that he and the producers are secretly hoping an all out brawl will breakout. So back Chad goes, with a push to be nice and to say he's sorry. And while he's in trying or NOT trying to apologize for his roid rage, I'm sure the staff was busy stocking up the alcohol by the pool. Gotta get the drama going somehow! JoJo arrives and hugs all the topless fellows with their weird necklaces on. I wondered for a bit if one of them was an avid bead and jewelry hobbiest, and had decided to make everyone some friendship necklaces, until I saw that their microphone packs were connected to them! Thanks abc for making sure we don't miss a word they say while they're in their swimsuits!
JoJo looks slammin' in her rope and black bikini. I'm thinking I need a good spray tan, and maybe shouldn't have just eaten those 4 Ghiradelli squares. What am I saying, no amount of cutting out chocolate will get me back to pre baby body. But that tan is doing wonders for her. Maybe it gave her the confidence to do things in a swimsuit I'd never attempt, like jumping up and wrapping your legs around someone, or couples yoga poolside.
After the pool party, the sunscreen is washed off and the real suits are put on. JoJo arrives in a sparkly stomach baring cocktail dress. My stretch marks would look especially great in a dress like that. And the roses go to mandibularly enhanced Grant (my hubby the maxillofacial surgeon would get a kick out of me using those words), Derrick from the Office, Jordan (who's hair I swear is getting bigger in each episode), Cowboy Luke (who totally needs a one on one date so I can get to know him better), Robby (something seems too slick about that guy), Wells (the only real boy in the group, the kind of normal guy that lives next door), James F, Vinny (his name makes me think he's shady), Canadian Vampire Daniel, our little square brick Alex and ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Chad. Noooooooo. I am so tired of him and his protein drinks and his nasty beard growing down his neck.
And now, in hopes of leaving the drama behind (yeah right) they're off to Pennsylvania, I'm sure the boys arrived by commercial plane, but the show wants us to think that JoJo took a biplane across country. In their awesome rustic hotel, Cowboy Luuuuuuke gets the first one one one! I've so been looking forward to this. A group of sled dogs pulls Luke and JoJo (in a great leather jacket and blanket looking scarf) to their backwoods version of a Bachelor hot tub, fueled by the wood Luke himself had to chop. Sounded heavenly until JoJo, in her cobalt blue spiderweb cleavage bikini, about burnt her behind in the boiling water. But Cowboy Luke came to her rescue, finding an excuse to grab her bootie and hold her above the water til he could slowly turn her into a lobster. That night over a candlelit dinner scene (maybe they don't feed her actual food so she can look so amazing in her swimsuits), we see how freakin' cool Cowboy Luke is as he opens up about his life, his time in Afghanistan, his sensitivity, and what a stellar guy he is! Luuuuuuuuuuke!! Of course he gets his rose and then she leads him to yet another private concert, well by private I mean they had their own fog machined stage to themselves while hundreds of people watched them make out.
Derrick, James Taylor, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, Evan, James F, Jordan, Grant and Robby (eek that leaves Chad and Alex on a two on one!) and JoJo arrive for their group date all dressed in their finest active wear. A few famous football guys that I think I'm supposed to recognize (I'm sure if Bry were home he'd tell me how cool they are) greet the group on a football field. After a few football drills and some blood, they divide into teams to compete for more time with JoJo. I'm a little worried for weeny Evan (who was more concerned with how his floppy hair looked with his sweatband so particularly positioned on it. He looked a bit like he stepped out of a Duran Duran video) and Wells (who pretty much lost the game for his team). Half the guys head home in their matching sweats outfits feeling like the losers that they are. The rest, Vinny, Robby, Jordan, Derrick, James Taylor and Evan head out for drinks and some one on one time with JoJo. Robby is falling in love with JoJo day by day, even though he hasn't spent a single day with her. Jordan tells her he's falling for her and scores himself a rose. I'm pretty sure she kissed everyone.
Before we could begin the two on one, we endure lots of threats from Chad aimed at just about anyone that breathes. Then a helicopter drops Chad and GI Joe Alex off in the middle of nowhere with JoJo to hack their way through the brush. I'm calling it now, but I think she won't give the rose to either guy. I just hope they aren't left alone on some rock somewhere, cuz fists will fly! I want to kick Chad when he says that floating down the river is just about the ONLY thing they have in Oklahoma. Whatever you dork. I left a little piece of my heart in that amazing state. I'm pretty sure Oklahoma doesn't want to claim you either. After much discussion with both Alex and Chad, JoJo realizes that Chad isn't who he says he is, (and that he's emotionally unstable) and gives Alex the rose. I was actually very scared for JoJo when she said goodbye to Chad. But really I should've been worried about the boys back at the hotel, because instead of shipping Chad off to the airport, somehow he was allowed to walk a million miles through the woods back to home base. We can see what's most important to the staff at ABC! Bring on the threats and violence. Hello! I just want to see some fun dates and rockin' outfits. I've had enough of this guy. Even after he's been kicked off we're still going to have to endure watching him in the NEXT episode, because, yes, there's another TO BE CONTINUED! But this time we have to wait 2 whole weeks! Torture.
So, who you all rooting for now?
PS There was a commercial calling for Utah gals interested in being on the next Bachelor. There'll be a "tryout" July 14th downtown. I wonder if Bryan would be up for me pretending to be single, just so I could get to visit the mansion and stuff. I'd promise I wouldn't kiss anyone and that I'd try to get voted out the fist night, so things wouldn't go "too far". Think the producers would be interested in this almost 40, full piece wearing, chocolate eating gal? heeheehee.
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