And we're back where we ended, with Kelsey gasping for air on the tile floor. Any of you buying her shenanigans? Not me! Thanks to my friend Robyn and her detective work, I do know she IS actually a widow (I read his obituary…) but I'm fairly sure everything else Chris is seeing is just manipulation. After Kelsey gets the only bit of one on one time with Chris (the one thing requested after her "panic attack") the girls are gathered together outside for the rose ceremony. Somebody give those half dressed ladies some coats, they're all totally shaking! And the roses go to: Jade (my sources also tell me she's not as sweet and innocent as she comes across, Miss I've posed for Playboy!), Kaitlyn, Megan, Becca, Ashley Kardashian and Ahhhhhhhhh! Kelsey! Ugh! He got suckered into that one. So it's goodbye to Mama Mackenzie (who doesn't think she'll "ever get over" a few dates with a guy who was dating 25 other women) and Samantha, our silent dark haired Barbie doll. Poor thing probably hated to see how little camera time she got this season.
And their next destination is…. drumroll….Deadwood South Dakota, what? My husband has gone hunting there. He never mentioned that it was a wonderful place for a romantic getaway. Maybe this is considered exotic to our farmer from Iowa? You know these girls were like, where we going next? Tahiti? Europe? Nope. Deadwood.
And the first date card goes to Becca! Yay! I'm so glad it's NOT Kelsey. I couldn't handle an entire date listening to her cackle. And I'm actually excited to get to know Becca! So they start things off in their flannel and boots, ready for a horseback ride. Then they must have done something totally boring, cuz we don't see anything until it's night time and they're ready for kabobs over the fire (actually, at the end of the episode we see they went shooting. So fun! This is totally my kind of date!). And who ever decided that they should hold their kabobs over the fire??? They have about 2 in of stick to hold onto over the flames, their poor fingers and in the end, cold food! Could we get them a BBQ? But they have plenty of time to talk and bond and laugh (actually Chris doesn't laugh, he has more of a high pitch giggle). While handing her a rose, he tells us that his expectations were blown out of the water by Becca. I agree. She's pretty darn cool. Remember, she's the cool virgin, who actually thinks about the fact that the world (including her dad) is watching how she acts and yes, even sees her first kiss with him. I like her.
Next date card goes to Whitney, Jade, Britt, Carly, Kaitlyn and Megan. Big & Rich (who? Is one Big and the other Rich? Sorry I don't follow music all that much anymore) show up to help the girls write their own songs and to help the ladies be ready to perform them. There was a crazy rant where the one with the crazy hat and curly hair and glasses made Jade run down the street screaming. Not sure how that was supposed to help her. The singing contest begins with tone deaf Chris and a 90 year old duck dynasty looking man with a banjo playing back up. Britt was super cool like she always is. Whiney Whitney was true to her name. Kaitlyn rapped some cuss words. Megan wasn't memorable. Carly, our cruise line singer, did her thing with all the feeling in her sweet little heart. And poor nervous Jade survived, just barely. Did anyone actually catch a word that any of them sang? I was too distracted by the awkward thought of 6 women all singing (terribly) love songs to the same man. That night the one on one times all seemed nice, but none of them had a chance while the "Chris and Britt show" was going on. It would kinda stink having to be on a date with those two. Not only were they seen cuddling and kissing throughout the date, but then they disappear for an hour together, where he gives her a rose at a concert going on around the corner. Not fair. As much as I like stinky Britt, she's cool and pretty and an individual, I'm having a hard time seeing this unique, converse hightops wearing, lipstick loving, doesn't listen to country music girl, on a farm in small town Iowa. As Chris drops rose holding Britt back off with the other girls, the rage is palpable. You could see the fear in Chris' eyes and he did what any man would do in that situation, he bolted!
Final date card, the two on one, arrives….Dun dun dun. It goes to the two biggest nutsos, Ashley Kardashian and Cuckoo Kelsey. Can he choose to give NOBODY the rose? The helicopter of love hauls the "blessed with eloquence" know-it-all and the belly baring, lashtastic Kardashian to see Mount Rushmore. Ashley thinks she should best spend her time by trying to be as sexy as possible (TRYING being the key word there), and ratting out how everyone thinks Kesley is fake. And Kesley, well I can't even watch her. Wow she's annoying. To sum it up, Kelsey and Ashley hate each other and they BOTH end up crying! Ashley is told by Chris that he just can't keep up with her Kardashian lifestyle. No rose. And then I may have done a little raise the roof action on my couch as he told Kelsey she wasn't getting the rose either! And off Chris goes, alone in the helicopter of love, while Kelsey and Ashley are abandoned to wander the Badlands by themselves to fight off coyotes until some Suburban comes to pick them up.
And that's how it ends! No rose ceremony AGAIN! But lets be honest, the two most annoying girls are gone, so I'm satisfied.
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