Let's Get Vulnerable

While the boys are away, the girls will ... watch The Bachelor. Yes, it's just me and Tess watchin' my favorite show, I'm starting her young. I'm sure I'll have to fill my hubs in on the recap when he gets home even if he "isn't interested in that silly show." Mmhmm.

So we start off, as usual, with Chris and his date clarifications. This week there will be 1 group date and 2 individual dates and some won't even get a date. I see hope glimmering in every one of those make-up-less faces. And the first date goes to Ashley S, the cute Nanny from New York. She got the first impression rose (which impressed me cuz she's a cute sincere gal and not one of those so hot that he can't think straight kind of gals). She's so excited and says "If it's karaoke I'm gonna dah (that's "die" in Southern talk).

Brad shows up in the hair destroying convertible, Ashley is looking cute in her tank, heels and skinny jeans, all the other girls were lounging at the pool, and Madison was licking her fangs...seriously. Off they go to Studio A, as in Capital records, where they are going to get to record their own song! This is a nightmare for both of them, and honestly for all of us watching. OBVIOUSLY Brad does not get to choose his date activities ("I consider this to be a torturous event" -Brad "I don't even sing in the car, like I hate the sound of my voice when I sing" - Ashley). The song they'll be singing is Kiss From A Rose and oddly enough it reminds Ashley of her dad. Before he passed away 10 years ago she and her dad would listen to this song over and over again. But oh, I'm pretty sure her dad would've changed radio stations if Brad and Ashley's version came on. Hoooly moly they were AWFUL. And I'm not talking just a few bad notes, like imagine dogs howlin' awful. Tone deaf. The poor recording guy was totally laughing. Well after the torture was over Brad surprised her with a private concert by Seal himself. He sang Kiss From A Rose while they held/rubbed hands and Ashley thought about how hard she was falling for this guy (Brad, not Seal). A side note: does Seal actually record other songs? I've pretty much only ever heard this one. He's got to be tired of singing this darn song. Oh wait I spoke/typed too soon! He does sing other stuff. Though it's totally not memorable. Forgot it already. Sorry Seal, you're a one hit wonder. But Ashley loved it all, and thought it was "perfect" and that her dad must have "orchestrated it all from above". Honey I'm pretty sure you're dad's cringing at the thought of you doing a reality TV dating thing, but I'm sure he enjoyed Seals performance as much as you. Afterwards the date continues with dinner on top of the studio roof. Okay, seriously ROCKING view of the city below. Here they talked and she shared with him the story of her father (and the song) and it all won her a rose and some kissin'. Sweet, but I can't say I think it will last.

Now onto the group date with Lindsay, Shawntel, Britt, Ali, Kimberly, Sarah, Chantel, Ashley H, Lisa, Stacey, Marissa and Michelle (who is BITTERLY disappointed). The girls all hop in the big black van (no convertible for you) all dressed in their spandex and head to what appears to be the parking lot of an abandoned warehouse, and suddenly the cheesiest moment of Bachelor history occurs. Brad is "attacked" and defends himself against 5 (stunt)men, (nice high kick Brad). The girls squeal and hug each other. They will be filming an action movie and each girl will get their own scene. Michelle is probably the most excited about this since she has wanted to karate chop someone all day, man she's grumpy, though I'm pretty sure she was mighty excited to be in front of another camera strutting her acting abilities since we all know thats' the only reason she is on this show. Shawntel did the best job (looking tough and sexy and not saying hiyah! in a squeeky voice) and she got some lip action in there too. Ticked off Michelle just kept getting angrier and angrier and talked about how awesome and slippery (ew gross) their first kiss was going to be (emphasizing this with her spirit finger firework actions, again). She keeps saying how immature these other girls are, but I'm not sure how "womanly" it is to cover your eyes with your hair to block your view of Shawntel and Brad kissing. Oh get rid of this chick.

After the filming they're off to the wrap party, where surprise surprise they had a pool. The first one on one time was with Chantel who cries about the usual bachelorette insecurities and about her dad dying. I actually think she's prettier when she's wet and not so done up. And apparently so does Brad, cuz she gets her first kiss. Then there's some more frolicking in the pool and my favorite quote of the night by Shawntel "I've got all these hyenas after him" Ha! During his one on one time with Alli, Michelle sneaks in all stealth/stalker like and taps on the counter til she gets some alone time herself. That's when she attempts her Oscar nomination with all her tears and "guilt" for leaving her daughter to do this show. I don't believe her for a second. It did get her a "slippery" kiss but not the nightly rose or the Oscar. Instead the rose went to Shawntel ("I want you to stay here so bad, SOOO bad! I'm wildly attracted to you but more importantly I just like who you are" - Brad). Miss Funeral Director, you are growing on me! I actually think you have a fighting (no pun intended) chance.

Back at home Emily gets the card for the other one on one date. And she shares with some of the girls her tragic story, which gets everyone crying. Oh she is so stinkin' sweet. Girls like that, I TOTALLY wonder why they're on this show. I loved how one of the girls described her "she's this itsy bitsy Barbie doll with the soul of Mother Teresa, so you want to hate her but you can't." So Brad picks her and her mini flowered jumpsuit up and heads to the airport (uh, what were you thinking abc! understandably poor Emily doesn't like planes too much) and they fly to Santa Maria, wine country. They drive through the vineyard in this darling yellow old car to a picturesque (but VERY windy) spot to have their own cheese and wine party.

There's a quick cut back to the house where Madison and Ashley are talking and you actually see a sweet (and fang-less) side of Madison. She starts to cry, not for herself but for Emily. She states that she came on the show cuz she wants to see if she can find love, but now she sees that some of these girls NEED to find love. Without the fangs distracting me, I think there's a sweet girl in there.

Back to the Emily date, Brad is trying to figure out more about Emily, besides the surface stuff, but Emily just keeps "deflecting" it all. I don't know about you but I was just cheerin' her on, come on Emily, you can do it! Tell him your sad story! Let him know how awesome you are, how strong you are. And possibly how many issues you have (but let's not focus on that). It gets too cold in the vineyard so they head to a romantic barn dinner (candles and hay... probably not the best combo) and there she and her totally wind blown hair begins telling her story (while guzzling her white wine, liquid courage, isn't that what they call it). Brad responded so well and wanted to know more about her daughter. It really did seem like the atmosphere of the date just lifted after that and Brad tells her "I like you A LOT, a lot, I mean A LOT." He likes to repeat things. He then offers her a rose and she responds in her darling southern accent "Gimme that dag ol rose." Oh how can you not root for this sweet as honey girl!!! I just want to cry... not sure why, but I do. Admit it, you cried too.

Well after all these great dates we head to the, oh wait, not the rose ceremony. Instead we're going to join Brad in one of his therapy sessions with Dr Jamie. His deep wisdom includes a definition of vulnerability and some encouragement to let the girls open up. Now I don't think that is EVER really the problem with the girls. They're all happy to tell him they're deep, dark/sad secrets (for all the world to now know). It's Brad that needs to open up. To be honest I don't think we all know much about Brad at all. He's stiff. Have we ever really seen him laugh or be real? He is handsome but he's really a dork all dressed up. Sorry Dr Jamie, but I think we're focusing on the wrong thing. That's my professional diagnosis.

Rose ceremony: Michelle is still bitter (don't you think she has a permanent stink face), Alli has a awful teal baggy dress with a huge black bow on it, Madison takes her fangs out in front of Brad and almost loses a breast out of the side of her totally weird dress, Michelle finally gets SHUT DOWN when attempting to steal him AGAIN, and Dr Ashley gets herself a reassuring kiss after her alone time.

And the roses go to: Michelle (and all her eye rolling), Chantal O (you looked better all wet with less makeup), then there's a pause when Madison decides to leave the competition/I mean show ("I came here because it sounded fabulous, but it's not so easy as walking into a fairy tale and walking out with prince charming), then it's back to the roses: frizzy haired Lisa, stiff Jackie, Dr Ashley H, Marissa (?), a little too sweet Britt, Alli, Lindsay (I've never heard her speak a word, but for some reason I don't like her), kind of manly Megan and Stacey (?).

So it's goodbye to "I'm going to pretend I'm just too good for this show" Kimberly and nappy haired Sarah (who totally needed some waterproof mascara! talk about the ugly cry). This episode was definitely better than last weeks show, but I'm totally hoping we see WAY less of Michelle next week. I think I've overdosed on her nastiness.