Rain Forest Romance

Costa Rica, the land of colored spandex! Whoa! It's gorgeous! The gals show up to their hotel in one rockin' silver Jeep thing (possibly my hubby's dream car, the Defender 90?) They join Brad on the balcony overlooking the rain forest and a smoking volcano. Pretty darn awesome. I'm telling you, I need to start taking notes on the places this show visits. Someday, Bryan and I are going to hit all the Bachelor spots. Anyway, so Brad hugs each of his girlfriends and takes them to their jungle villa. sigh... I want to go now. Everyone drools over the date card that Brad drops on the lounge chair, and the first one on one date goes to Chantal. Michelle, or as she will now be known, She-who-must-not-be-named, is totally irate that Chantal gets the one on one date (though she obviously LOVES that snug purple tank! She's worn it for the last 4 episodes). Chantal is "freakin' out" cuz she's feeling self conscious about how she acted the last time she talked to Brad. Must be fun, must not whine, she chants to herself as the helicopter of love takes them to a zipline, THE longest zipline in the world. It's going to take their relationship "to new heights" declares Brad (he's getting real good at those one liners). I know they both declare that this was the such a great date and they had so much fun with each other but to me they just seemed like they're on an awkward first date. Not much to say about it, they're zipping, it's raining, there's lots of hugs, they spotted some monkeys, and that made them feel like making out.

Flash to the jungle villa, where the group date card shows up, for hum drum Jackie, She-who-must-not-be-named, Emily, Ashley and Shawntel. So Alli (who is so special) will finally get her first one on one date. Why am I bored by that fact?

Back to the date at hand, after zipping through the jungle they're ready for a picnic by the river. He's in a nice looking black and white button up and she's in a plunging blue tank. But just as they sat down to dinner it was interrupted by pouring rain. They're shocked... by the rain... in the rain forest. So they grabbed hands and ran to his room instead. She's too soaked to go on in her tank top and shorts so she changes into one of Brad's shirts and shorts, minus the shorts. Brad begins to drool. Back at the girls villa, she-who-must-not-be-named is hoping the rain is ruining their date. Oh but it's quite the opposite. Instead they spend the night happily making out in his hotel room. Hard to beat that.

The group date is "all about adventure and facing fear" (yeah that's been this whole season). They're going to repel down a waterfall. Jackie is deathly afraid of heights (shocker). Apparently She-who-must-not-be-named is suddenly not so afraid of heights anymore but is just ticked because she and Brad made a pact that they would never repel down anything with anyone else. My girl Shawntel volunteers to go down first. And she was so super tough and cool. I love her. Ashley swoons about how caring Brad was, "Brad was amazing. He was like telling everyone they were going to be okay." Yes, how sweet. Jackie was about to passout but she sucked it up and made her way down. She-who-must-not-be-named, according to her plan I'm sure, made sure she was last. Well, Brad said he planned that too, so that they could repel down together, thus not breaking their ridiculous pact. That stopped her from beating him to death. Happy that she was guaranteed more camera time, they went down together, much to the frustration of the girls below. Afterward they were off to some natural hot springs (AKA pool) where we got to watch them all take off their clothes (seriously sometimes I wonder if abc knows who their audience is?) Then the one on one times begin, first with jealous and boring Jackie, then ruffly bikini clad Emily who finally went in for her big kiss, She-who-must-not-be-named draped herself all over him and then they all began to wonder who would get the rose. After a big speech about what his roses mean, Brad refused to give out a rose. Go Brad!

Next day Brad shows up to pick up Alli. No fast cars or helicopters of love for her. They're off for a pleasant ride through the jungle on horseback! After dismounting, they begin a hike into a cave. Jungle and cave, not a good situation for our bug-aphobe Alli (I'm telling you Fear is this season's theme!). There was a spider and flying bats. "I'm here for you" Prince Brad so gallantly declares as he wraps his protective arms around her. At the end of the cave was the Altar, basically some wet steps, where Brad lays out a blanket and some battery powered candles. Both of them looked drenched and uncomfortable. Sorry Alli, but in comparison, you got jipped in the date category. After they climbed out of their cave and changed clothes they met for dinner on a floating island (in a pool). But unfortunately she and the island sank. Brad asks her about her last relationship and she tells him that her old boyfriend was great but that she just couldn't picture herself marrying him, that he "had a lot to offer somebody, just not for myself." Brad totally jumped on that, it was a great lead in for his "I'm NOT giving you the rose" speech. And so he started with the compliments, which she mistook where he was going with it and chimed in that she could see herself talking to him everyday for the rest of her life. Uh, riiiiight, that was making it harder to dump her, but Brad jumped on that line and used it too. "I like who you are.. but the thing about it, I can see myself hanging out with you everyday for the rest of my life, but here's the problem, I don't think that constitutes saying that you and I are falling in love...I can't give you the rose." And poor Alli cries as they say goodbye. And though all the girls back at the hotel room had already voted her off the island, they still all shrieked in shock as the little Costa Rican hotel manager came to take her luggage away. Goodbye Alli.

Back to his apartment he went, where he was ready to have some alone time to think things over. But there's a knock at the door and it is She-who-musn't-be-named. Seriously she is sucking the life out of me and this show. He didn't exactly seem thrilled that she invited herself over. To make sure every producer in America knows she can make out on camera, she curls up on top of him and licks his face and then whines about how much she doesn't like Chantal. She is such a sly cat, twisting everything she says, making everything one big roller coaster of emotion for him. Run Brad, RUN!

Cocktail party begins and Brad shows up looking pretty stressed. He pulls Emily aside to a hammock and tells her "I think about you a lot, good things." Emily opens up a bit more, addressing things he was worried about. "I refuse to give up on Emily, she's worth the fight." Yes she is Brad. (I'm hoping that if Brad doesn't choose her, we'll be seeing 25 handsome bachelors fighting over her next season!) She-who-must-not-be-named got some alone time next, and Brad totally called her out. I'm so glad he's bugged by her and her games! I think he's slowly seeing the real her (ya know, the real fake her). She can see the change in him and starts looking a bit nervous, she's sees she's losing him. Cue the tears. Brad's a sucker for tears. "I just want more time with you" she whimpers... yeah, him and the camera that follows him! On a more positive note, next was Shawntel who knew all the talk about emotions was getting a bit exhausting (way to be in tune to Brad's "I've had it up to here with all the drama") and decided to play the silent game with him. They stared at each other a bit and then she took the opportunity to makeout (cue guitar solo)... no talking needed for that. Nice move Shawntel, making him relaxed and happy. Meanwhile all the girls (besides She-who-must-not-be-named) are busy trying to figure out who has been secretly talking to Brad. I kinda tuned out the whining and focused in on all the frizzy hair. Looks like all the Costa Rican humidity is getting to everyone. Chantal gave up fighting the frizz and just wore her hair up. Though she got a rose on her date she still got some one on one time with Brad. Nervously she declares "I love you" in her gold cheetah dress. This news brings Brad back to being happy. And now he's ready to hand out some roses.

And the roses go to: Dr Ashley, oh so perfect Emily, doe eyed Britt, my girl Shawntel... and ladies this is the final rose tonight...(dare I hope that boring Jackie might get it?)...no. it's Michelle (he said it, not me). Adios boring Jackie. Since we're down to only sending one girl home, Brad decides to walk her out and as he tells her how wonderful but not right for him she is, all I can think about is how much she looks like Jennifer Gray from Dirty Dancing. Nobody puts Baby in the corner... so instead he just put her in the getaway car. So now he's back to the rest of his girlfriends where he announces that they're heading to Anguilla. They all squeal with delight but I'm pretty sure most of them don't know where that is.

What I do know is that I may have to shield my husbands eyes from the soft porn photo shoot that happens next week. Barf. Hey abc, women are watching this show. ugh.